Get "SMART"

(This article originally appeared in the January 2018 edition of the church newsletter.)

It's a well-guarded secret that in order to do the work I do, I first had to pass an exam. This exam, known as the Sacred Music Aptitude Revealing Test (SMART), is administered annually to those earning degrees in disciplines such as organ performance and choral conducting. In this exclusive for the Evangel, you'll get a peek at examples of the tough questions being posed to the next generation of church musicians.

1. A bellringer remarks that your conducting is hard to follow. Should you:
A) thank her for the constructive criticism, and work on refining your gestures
B) confront her and ask if she could do it better
C) 'promote' her to music librarian
D) buy her a one-way ticket to Australia

2. The pipe organ's electric blower expires after 35 years of service. Should you:
A) beg the church trustees for funds to replace it
B) raise money by holding a bake sale
C) round up a crew of burly men to pump the organ by hand
D) attempt to replace it with the motor from a vacuum cleaner

3. During the sermon, you realize that you’ve left your copy of the choir anthem in the music room. Should you:
A) dash out and retrieve it while the congregation recites the Creed
B) steal a copy from one of the singers
C) try to conduct from memory
D) just flail your arms randomly, since nobody’s really watching

4. A church member complains that you play the hymns too loudly. Should you:
A) find him a pair of earplugs
B) play the hymns much softer
C) play the hymns much louder
D) give up the organ and learn the banjo

5. The storage room is stuffed with old anthems you’re not likely to use. Should you:
A) recycle them
B) keep them and let the next music director deal with them
C) donate them to a church with more shelf space
D) use them to heat your house in winter

Bonus question: what is your reason for considering church music as a vocation?
A) an office with a window
B) an excuse not to travel on Christmas, Easter, or Mother’s Day
C) sincere desire to inspire others with the message of God's love
D) last resort after being rejected by Burger King